Dear All Boys I Once Dated,
Hello. I hope your life is good. Yes, my life is good, too, thank you very much. (Although I would say that even if I had just learned that I was allergic to ice cream, that my goldfish had died, and that my DVD of Anne of Avonlea had disappeared. So that was a waste of words. But necessary, per social protocol.) And now, a friendly reminder: Do not ever, under any circumstances, send me a Facebook invitation to your wedding reception. Either spend the 42 cents to send me an announcement in the mail like you do for your actual friends or just continue pretending that I have fallen off the planet and do nothing at all. Obviously our current state of contact will determine whether you take the first or second option. I trust your judgment here. Actually, no I do not. So I will spell it out for you. If we have had a conversation that consisted of more than, "My life is good, how's yours?" in the last six months, send me an announcement. (I will not actually attend your reception, so stop worrying about an awkward encounter.) If we have e-mailed within a year, you can decide for yourself. Longer than that, keep your 42 cents. And yes, even without you notifying me, I will promptly hear about your upcoming nuptials through our mutual friends, and I will be genuinely excited for you. I will consider it a victory for single people everywhere, just like I do every Sunday during our Relief Society moments when we share our good news and announce the latest diamond acquisitions. Well, I guess that covers it.
Thank you for reading. And thank you for dating me back in the day. That was nice of you.
Sincerely,
C.
So, I obviously ate three cupcakes for breakfast today at about the same time as I checked my Facebook account. And we see the results. But let me note that while I generally avoid posts that target a particular category of people, I feel perfectly justified in this exception. I actually know the exact number of people who could be personally offended by this post, and out of those people, the ones who are engaged and thus possible culprits for my biting wit should really have something better to do than read my blog. Actually, everyone I know should really have something better to do than read my blog ...
Hello. I hope your life is good. Yes, my life is good, too, thank you very much. (Although I would say that even if I had just learned that I was allergic to ice cream, that my goldfish had died, and that my DVD of Anne of Avonlea had disappeared. So that was a waste of words. But necessary, per social protocol.) And now, a friendly reminder: Do not ever, under any circumstances, send me a Facebook invitation to your wedding reception. Either spend the 42 cents to send me an announcement in the mail like you do for your actual friends or just continue pretending that I have fallen off the planet and do nothing at all. Obviously our current state of contact will determine whether you take the first or second option. I trust your judgment here. Actually, no I do not. So I will spell it out for you. If we have had a conversation that consisted of more than, "My life is good, how's yours?" in the last six months, send me an announcement. (I will not actually attend your reception, so stop worrying about an awkward encounter.) If we have e-mailed within a year, you can decide for yourself. Longer than that, keep your 42 cents. And yes, even without you notifying me, I will promptly hear about your upcoming nuptials through our mutual friends, and I will be genuinely excited for you. I will consider it a victory for single people everywhere, just like I do every Sunday during our Relief Society moments when we share our good news and announce the latest diamond acquisitions. Well, I guess that covers it.
Thank you for reading. And thank you for dating me back in the day. That was nice of you.
Sincerely,
C.
So, I obviously ate three cupcakes for breakfast today at about the same time as I checked my Facebook account. And we see the results. But let me note that while I generally avoid posts that target a particular category of people, I feel perfectly justified in this exception. I actually know the exact number of people who could be personally offended by this post, and out of those people, the ones who are engaged and thus possible culprits for my biting wit should really have something better to do than read my blog. Actually, everyone I know should really have something better to do than read my blog ...
11 comments:
I love reading your blog! You can only imagine what the next generation will amount to with text messaging and facebook. Hope all is well in the East!!
I have never been more proud of sharing DNA with you. Well said C, well said.
p.s. I except a call shortly explaining which male specimen is referenced in associated post.
Having been a victim of this very thing, I agree with most of this post. However, I would add that if said boyfriends do decide to spend the 42 cents (or let's get real, the $1.05; wedding annoucements aren't your average domestic envelope...) they should probably do the "right thing" and include an actual invitation to the wedding festivities. Not just a picture with the exact date and time they will no longer be an option...only intending to rub in your face how wonderful they look in black and white.
this is one of the best and funniest posts i have ever read. every little word of it is true. i hope once you're done with law school you don't actually practice law. you were born to be a writer. can i have an autographed copy of your first book and be invited to the premier of your first movie? please?
This post is fabulous. Callie, you are awesome. I wish I had your way with words
Cal! I am going to check facebook right now. I'm curious. This sentiment couldn't have been said better. It's going down in blog history. Let's be honest, who wants an invitation to "said" events anyways? It's like an accident, you don't want to look, but can't help it. Facebook announcement is t-a-c-k-y tacky!!
hahahaha! This was so funny! I miss you so much!
so funny. by far my favorite post of the day.
I literally laughed out loud and I had to tell my mother what I was laughing about. great post cal. i love reading your insights to life. visiting salt lake city is not the same without you. :) hope to see you in nyc or dc soon
You know I love all your posts but that one was my all time favorite...so Cal!!! I forgot to ask you about said boy when we talked the other day. I'll be calling again soon to get the dish on this and other news!
You are welcome, the pleasure dating you was all mine-
Do not fear any impending electronic akwardness- I do not have a face book page/profile( I do not even know the term) and am certailnly Not near any fancy jewlery purchases.
Ben
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